Within intimate couple relationships, regardless of how strong, and/or long-lasting the relationship may be, the system they create often comes up against challenges which cause stress. This then negatively impacts how effective previously established coping patterns and strategies can be. The couple can then find themselves needing help in reconnecting.
Transitions such as these can change the couple's established role structure, challenging the unwritten contract between them. This naturally happens when moving through relationship stages, e.g. from the initial ‘honeymoon phase’ towards a more real and deep relationship. Changes also occur after, for example, becoming parents, dealing with loss (bereavement, age, children leaving home, retirement, and illness) and financial challenges. At such times engaging in couples therapy can offer a space to safely explore and talk about what is going on. The objective of this type of work is both parties feeling accepted, seen and heard. From this position, with the support of the therapist, the couple can agree shared therapeutic and relationship goals.
CAT as a relational model lends itself perfectly to couples work. In this work the couple system is the client, rather than the therapist working individually with two clients. The main work is done in the space between the couple. This contrasts with individual therapy, where the system is the dyadic relationship between client and therapist. Couples therapy looks at communication and system dynamics as they exist within the relationship. An example might be proximity (closeness and interdependence) versus autonomy (how possible it is to pursue individual interests and goals).
Naming and mapping out these dynamics within the couple’s dance is often transformative. Patterns are hard to notice and reflect on when 'in' the dance. For example the therapist may enable partners to notice how one is active in pursuing the other for emotional closeness, whilst the other in response withdraws further. Within therapy the therapist can shine a light on how these patterns often originate in early relationships and become mirrored in adult partnerships. Perhaps one partner may share they felt overly dominated by an early caregiver, and come to understand how as a defence they developed a pattern of pulling away. Carrying this withdrawing behaviour into subsequent relationships, their self-protective pattern may then be recognised with more compassion by both themself and their partner. Understanding may help to salve what was previously a source of conflict.
That was just one example of how CAT is powerful in making sense of what is going on within each partner's relationship with self and the other. It can bring to awareness other templates and influences carried from childhood. Relationships with parents, siblings and peers may all play a role in what partners bring to their couple relationship.
Another example where therapy can help is where one partner feels used and taken advantage of within the relationship. This may stem from a childhood where they felt they had to always please to receive love from their caregiver. CAT helps to look at this trap of pleasing others for love, and the cost of this to self. This new understanding can bring about self-respect and a new way of relating to others. In turn, dynamics within the relationship may improve as the couple adapt to setting and respecting more boundaries and limits.
Naming and sharing this early templating with a partner creates a new form of intimacy and understanding. It creates a space to challenge beliefs about yourself and within the partnership. CAT couples work helps both partners focus on ways to make better choices and reciprocations. CAT invites each partner to actively engage in what they need to attend to within their relationship system. The therapist facilitates this journey by creating a space to look at the reciprocations between each other. They may provide scaffolding for partners to better recognise traps and dilemmas they engage in which create distance or conflict. These patterns often formed as a result of unmet relational needs from childhood.
How we communicate is often culturally led. Understanding the generational and social context when growing up helps to promote insight into what partners bring to the relationship both positively and negatively. Each partner becomes the best teacher within the growth journey.
Issues such as neurodivergence and illness can impact on communication further. Therapy can support new understanding and growth around these areas.
Oftentimes couples form blaming and unhelpful patterns around communication. For effective communication we need learn how to self-regulate. This is another area where couples therapy can help by using neuroeducation to help each partner to learn how to self-regulate. Additionally, they may learn how to better help regulate each other. With these new understandings and skills, they can communicate in a way whereby they feel heard and seen, and recognise and express when they are feeling triggered by the other. Therapy works to facilitate a deeper understanding of how early patterns of relating can template how each partner responds, and gets triggered by the other reciprocally within their relationship.
Coming to couples therapy is courageous. It often starts a new dance which values and recognises the transformative power of how shared vulnerability creates connection. Intimacy becomes deepened and reinforced through such honesty and openess.
Currently, CAT Couples Work is an emerging area of development within ACAT. Although still in its early stages, many accredited CAT therapists already incorporate CAT into their couples therapy practices. We have recently established a dynamic CAT Couples Special Interest Group (SIG), which brings together a community of skilled CAT therapists dedicated to advancing and refining CAT Couples Work. The SIG is open to CAT practitioners, psychotherapists, and trainees. If you'd like more information, please contact us at catcouplessig@gmail.com.
Musings on Doing CAT with Couples. Reformulation, Winter, pp.29-31. https://www.acat.me.uk/reformulation.php?issue_id=10&article_id=159
https://www.engage.acat.org.uk/how-might-having-therapy-affect-my-relationship/
We extend our thanks to Karen Spencer for producing this article. She facilitates the CAT Couples Special Interest Group. This is a SIG for ACAT members either in training or already qualified as CAT therapists. You can find out more by clicking through to the CAT Couples SIG section on tis page.
