Within intimate couple relationships, regardless of how strong, and/or long-lasting the relationship may be, the system they create often comes up against challenges which cause stress within the relationship. Such challenges negatively impact previously established coping patterns and strategies. The couple can then find themselves needing help in reconnecting.
Transitions such as these can change the couple's established role structure, challenging the unwritten contract between them. This naturally happens when moving through relationship stages, e.g. from the initial ‘honeymoon phase’ towards a more real and deep relationship. Changes also occur after, for example, becoming parents, dealing with loss (bereavement, age, children leaving home, retirement, and illness), affairs, and financial challenges. At such times engaging in couples therapy can offer a space to safely explore and talk about what is going on. The objective of this type of work is both parties feeling accepted, seen and heard. From this position, with the support of the therapist, the couple can agree shared therapeutic and relationship goals.
How can CAT help couples regain intimacy in their relationship?
CAT as a relational model lends itself perfectly to couples work. In this work the couple system is the client, rather than the therapist working individually with two clients. The main work is done in the space between the couple. This contrasts with individual therapy, where the system is the dyadic relationship between client and therapist. Couples therapy looks at communication and system dynamics as they exist within the relationship. An example might be proximity (closeness and interdependence) versus autonomy (how possible it is to pursue individual interests and goals).
Naming and mapping out these dynamics within the couple’s dance is often transformative. Patterns are hard to notice and reflect on when 'in' the dance. For example the therapist may help partners to notice how one is active in pursuing the other for emotional closeness, whilst the other in response withdraws further. Within therapy the therapist can shine a light on how these patterns often originate in early relationships and become mirrored in adult partnerships. Perhaps one partner may share how they felt overly dominated by an early caregiver, and come to understand how as a defence they developed a pattern of pulling away. This withdrawing behaviour may then be carried into subsequent relationships. Recognising, with compassion, the impact of their self-protective pattern on the relationship is often transformative. Understanding, and sharing vulnerability, often helping to salve what was previously a source of conflict.
Negotiating care for ourselves and each other
That was just one example of how CAT is powerful in making sense of what is going on within each partner's relationship with self and the other. It can bring to awareness other templates and influences carried from childhood. Relationships with parents, siblings and peers all play a role in what partners bring to their couple relationship.
A key part of CAT couples work is noticing the reciprocal roles at play within the relationship, for example around ‘rejecting to feeling rejected’. Often couples share reciprocations which are again carried on from childhood. Such reciprocations impact how each partner relates to themself, each other and the external world.
The therapist facilitates this journey of mutual understanding by creating a space to look at such reciprocations. This new shared understanding often brings about a deepening compassion for self and other, and also an increased connection through shared vulnerability.
Naming this early templating with a partner creates a new form of intimacy and safety. It creates a space to challenge established beliefs which are no longer helpful. CAT couples work helps both partners focus on ways to make better choices and reciprocations. CAT invites each partner to actively engage in what they need to attend to within their relationship system. Therapy provides the scaffolding for partners to better recognise traps and dilemmas they engage in which create distance or conflict. These patterns are often formed as a result of unmet relational needs from childhood.
Communicating and managing emotions
How we communicate is often culturally led. Understanding the generational and social context when growing up helps to promote insight into what partners bring to the relationship both positively and negatively. Each partner becomes the best teacher within the growth journey.
Illness and neurodivergence can impact communication within the system. Therapy can support new understanding and growth around this to bring connection and understanding.
Oftentimes couples form blaming and unhelpful patterns around communication. For effective communication we need to learn how to self-regulate. This is another area where couples therapy can help by introducing neuroeducation to help each partner to learn how to self-regulate and regulate each other. With these new understandings and skills, they can communicate in a way whereby they feel heard and seen, and recognise and express when they are feeling triggered by the other. Therapy works to facilitate a deeper understanding of how early patterns of relating can template how each partner responds, and gets triggered by the other reciprocally within their relationship.
Coming to couples therapy is courageous. It often starts a new dance which values and recognises the transformative power of how shared vulnerability creates connection. Intimacy becomes deepened and reinforced through such honesty, validation, and openness.
Developments in Couples Work and CAT
Currently, CAT Couples Work is an emerging area of development within ACAT. Although still in its early stages, many accredited CAT therapists already incorporate CAT into their couples therapy practices. We have recently established a dynamic CAT Couples Special Interest Group (SIG), which brings together a community of skilled CAT therapists dedicated to advancing and refining CAT Couples Work. The SIG is open to CAT practitioners, psychotherapists, and trainees. If you'd like more information, please contact us at catcouplessig@gmail.com.
Further resources
Gray, M., 2006. Musings on Doing CAT with Couples. Reformulation, Winter, pp.29-31.
How Might Having Therapy Affect My Relationship?
How Might Having Therapy Affect My Relationship? What Partners and Caareres Need To Know
We extend our thanks to Karen Spencer for producing this article. She facilitates the CAT Couples Special Interest Group. This is a SIG for ACAT members either in training or already qualified as CAT therapists. You can find out more by clicking through to the CAT Couples SIG section on tis page.